FRANKenstein
by FabulousxKilljoy
Summary: 100% crackfic. OneShot. Script format. And I make fun of Frerard at the end, because why not? Read at your own risk, you might not have any sanity afterwards. I know I don't.


(A.N. This fic is purely for my own twisted amusement. To be honest, I've never actually read Frankenstein. I really don't know how I come up with this stuff.)

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><p><em><span>(Erin the Narrator<span>__ enters, carrying a big fancy book. She sits down in a big leather chair by a roaring fireplace. There is a bearskin rug under the chair.)_

_Erin_: *clears throat* Ah, you're here for the story aren't you? Perfect timing.

_(Gerard__ pokes his head in.)_

_Gerard_: Get on with it! We don't have all day!

_Erin_: *looks at where _Gerard_ was, irritated* Anyway…back to story time!

_(She opens the book. As she reads, a dark, mad-scientist-y lab is revealed.)_

_Erin: _Once upon a time, there was an evil scientist named Frankenstein.

_(__Frank__ saunters in, wearing a lab coat two sizes too big, his black hair wild.)_

_Frank: _I thought I was an evil genius, not a mad scientist.

_Erin:_ But you're not a genius.

_(__Gerard__ pokes his head in again.)_

_Gerard:_ That was low.

(_Gerard__ leaves_)

_Erin: _Go away, dammit!

_Gerard: _*now offstage* My time will come!

_Erin_: Anyway. Once upon a time there was an evil scientist named Frankenstein. Frankenstein Iero. Frankenstein-or Frank, as his friends called him-

_Frank: _I have no friends! Only minions! *evil pot laugh*

_Erin: _You're gonna have to work on that laugh. And may I please continue un interrupted?

_(__Gerard__, for the umpteenth time, pokes his head in.)_

_Gerard_: I make no promises.

_Erin: _I will cut you. Go away.

_(__Gerard __leaves)_

_Erin: _So Frank didn't have any friends. Only minions.

_Frank: _*fist pump* Yes!

_Erin: _One of his personal favorite minions was currently assisting him in his next great experiment.

_Frank: _*calling to someone offstage* Gee-gor! Bring in the creation!

_(__Gerard __enters, wheeling in a medical table. On the table there is a body covered in a white blanket.)_

_Gerard: _Please stop calling me that.

_Frank: _Then what do I call you?

_Gerard: _Anything but Gee-gor. You're making it sound like the author is trying too hard to connect something to the name "Igor".

_Frank: _But she is. Did you see how excited she got when she came up with "Gee-gor"? You would've thought Mikey had asked her to marry him.

_(__Mikey__ sticks his head in.)_

_Mikey: _I want no part of this.

_Gerard: _Party pooper!

_(__Mikey __shrugs and leaves.)_

_Erin: _Can I help it if I have an attraction to sexy bassists?

_Frank: _Sadly, no.

_(__Mikey__ stick his head back in.)_

_Mikey_: Don't you have a story to tell?

_Erin: _I will gladly bear your children.

_Mikey: …_what?

_Erin: _Nothing.

_(__Mikey__ leaves, looking a little scared.)_

_Erin: _So where was I? Oh, yes. Frank wanted to do something nobody had ever done before.

_Frank: _Lick my own elbow?

_Erin: _What? No! He wanted to build his own minion.

_Frank: _So like a robot?

_Erin: _Sort of.

_Frank: _Then why don't I just build a robot?

_Erin: _Why don't I just decapitate you with a pair of hedge clippers and give your part to Gerard?

_Frank_: Point taken. Continue.

_Erin: _Thank you. Now many people were against Frankenstein.

(_The lights dim on the lab and a spotlight on the opposite side of the stage turns on. An __Angry Mob__ consisting of __Mikey__, __Bob__, __Mike Pedicone__, __Matt__, and __Bert McCracken__, along with several nameless extras enters.)_

_Erin: _(to Mikey) I thought you wanted no part in this.

_Mikey: _Bob forced me to.

_Bob: _*cracks knuckles menacingly*

_Erin:_ Okay then. Moving on. The townspeople were not happy.

_Matt: _Frankenstein is crazy.

_Bert: _His experiments are violent.

_Bob: _He explodes our town on a weekly basis.

_Mikey: _Why don't you people just move?

_Matt:_ We like this town too much.

_Bob: _My favorite tree is in this town.

_Mike: _Plus we're kind of idiots.

_Bert: _This town has no education system.

_Bob: _It's true.

_Mikey: _(to Erin) I hate you.

_Erin:_ I'll give you sushi later. And coffee.

_Mikey_: Fine. *pouts*

_Bert_: We need to stop this crazy fool.

_Bob: _For the safety of my tree!

_Mike: _And our families!

_Bob: _Yeah. Those too.

_Erin_: So a plan was made. They would attack the castle at midnight.

_Bert: _We attack the castle at midnight!

_Erin_: I just said that.

_Bert:_ Whatever. Onward, men!

_Erin:_ However, seeing as it was only eight o clock PM, they realized they needed something to pass the time.

_Mike: _To the taverns!

_Mob: _Booze! Huzzah!

(_The Mob__ leaves, __Mikey __trailing behind grumpily.)_

_Erin: _Time passed quickly as the townspeople got drunk. Meanwhile, Frank was up in his lab, preparing his experiment.

_(__Frank__ is standing in front of the covered body, laughing evilly)_

_Erin: _I see you've been practicing.

_Frank: _I have.

_Erin_: Very menacing. I like it.

_Frank: _Gee-gor! Hurry up!

_(__Gerard__ enters, carrying a bottle of beer.)_

_Gerard: _You better be grateful. It took a lot of effort to get this. The tavern's full of drunk imbeciles.

_Frank: _*takes the bottle and opens it, taking a long drink* Why were so many people there?

_Gerard: _Beats me. They said something about storming a castle though.

_Frank: _*drains the bottle and tosses it offstage* Should I be worried?

_Gerard: _Nah. They're probably talking about the other castle.

_Frank: _But there are no other castles.

_Gerard: _Oh. Well they were all drunk. It hardly matters.

_Frank:_ You're right.

(_Thunder in the distance is heard._)

_Frank:_ The storm! It approaches!

_Erin: _When did you get a bad French accent?

_Frank: _When I felt like it.

_(__Frank__ and __Gerard __begin running about, pressing buttons and pulling levers.)_

_Erin: _What are you doing?

_Frank:_ _**Science!**_

_Erin:_ You're pressing random buttons.

_Gerard:_ Science does not require rhyme or reason! It merely requires time and money!

_Erin: _Valid point.

(_Lightning flashes. __Frank__ pulls a lever, raising the table up._)

_Frank: _For science!

(_He pulls another lever. Lightning strikes __The Body__. The table is lowered._)

_Frank_: Did it work?

(_The Body__ twitches._)

_Body_: *grunt*

_Gerard:_ Holy crap muffins!

(_Frank __and __Erin__ both look at him. __The Body__ makes a noticeable head turn under the blanket.)_

_Frank: _Crap muffins?

_Erin:_ What are you, three?

_The Body: _*sarcastic grunt*

(_Gerard__ proceeds to look ashamed. The hearts of millions of puppies break._)

_Frank:_ So…pitiful…

_Erin:_ Can't…look…away…too sad…

_Gerard: _*wimper*

_Frank_: Fine! You're forgiven. Now help me get this sheet off.

_Gerard:_ Yay!

(_Gerard__ and __Frank__ pull the sheet off the body, which just so happens to resemble one __Ray Toro.__)_

_Ray: _*grunt*

_Frank: _Success! My experiment! It worked!

_Gerard: _Hooray! I have a new friend!

(_Gerard__ and __Ray __proceed to happy dance.) _

_Gerard: _What's your name?

_Ray: _*shrugs*

_Frank: _Stop hogging my new minion. And I haven't named him yet.

_Gerard: _Can he speak?

_Frank: _No. You need to teach him.

_Gerard: _Why me?

_Frank:_ Because I said so. Now for a name…

_Gerard: _He has nice hair. *reaches out to touch the fro*

_Ray: _*growls and glares at Gerard's hand*

_Gerard:_ *pulls his hand away*

_Frank: _I've got it! We'll call him Torosaurus.

_Erin: _That has got to be the stupidest name ever.

_Frank: _Did I ask for your opinion?

_Erin: _Did I ask for your sass?

_Frank:_ …No.

_Erin: _That's what I though. Behave. And name it Ray.

_Ray: _*claps*

_Gerard: _That's a good name.

_Frank: _Or course it is. I came up with it.

_Erin_: I should smack you.

_Frank:_ Shouldn't you be telling the story? You _are _the narrator.

_Erin: _Well the story seemed to be telling itself for awhile there. But I see my break time is over. *clears throat* Frank arranged to have Gerard teach Ray basic English. It was surprisingly hard.

(_Gerard__ is seen holding up flashcards and pointing to things around the room.)_

_Gerard: _Now what's that?

_Ray_: *grunt*

_Gerard:_ And that?

_Ray: _*grunt*

_Gerard: _And what about that?

_Ray: _*grunt*

_Gerard: _(_to __Frank_) We're making progress!

_Frank:_ I doubt that.

_Gerard:_ You're mean.

_Erin: _He's right. You're kind of a butt-trumpet Frank.

_Frank: _No. No Very Potter Musical references. I will not have it.

_Erin: _Be that way. Now just as they'd started making progress, they were interrupted.

(_The Mob__ bursts in, everyone visibly drunk except for __Mikey__._)

_Erin: _Nice self control.

_Mikey: _I couldn't let myself become one of them.

_Bert: _What's wrong with us?

_Matt: _Yeah, we're cool!

_Mikey: _You're all dumber than a box of crayons.

_Erin: That's _an insult to crayons.

_Ray: _*munches on crayon*

_Gerard: _Bad! *smacks the back of Ray's head* Spit it out!

_Ray: _*growls menacingly with a crayon in his mouth*

_Erin: _This is going nowhere! Mob, say your lines!

_Bob: _Oh. Right. *clears throat* Frankenstein, we've come to kill you.

_Matt: _And your experiments.

_Bert: _And we're going to burn down your castle.

_Mike: _And kill your minions.

_Frank: _And what happens if I stop you?

_Bob: _You can't stop us!

_Mike: _You're outnumbered.

_Frank: _Maybe in size.

_Mikey: _You're really going to have to be more obvious with these guys. *turns to the Mob* You see him? *points to Ray*

_Mob: _*nods*

_Mikey: _He can break your spine like a toothpick.

_Mob: _O.O

_Frank: _I thought you were on their side.

_Mikey: _I'm on nobody's side.

_Erin: _Except mine.

_Mikey: _I'll deal with you later.

_Erin: _Please do.

_Mikey: _*facepalm*

_Frank: _Actually, he's right. Ray, if you please.

_Ray: _*grunts and throws a mob member offstage*

_Bob: _Holy crap.

_Ray: _*walks offstage*

(_The sounds of a merciless beating are heard._)

_Frank: _That's quite enough, Ray!

_Ray: *walks back in, his hands and arms covered in blood*_

_Frank: _I think I've made my point.

_Bert: _Point taken.

_Matt: _Back to the tavern, boys!

(_The Mob__ leaves, besides __Mikey_)

_Erin: _(_to __Mikey__) _You can go home now.

_Mikey: _I quite like it here, actually.

_Erin: _You just want the coffee I promised you, don't you?

_Mikey: _Yes. Badly.

_Erin_: Later, I promise.

(_Mikey__ sits down by __Erin_)

_Frank: _Nice work, Ray!

(_He tries to high-five __Ray__, but notices the blood._)

_Frank: _I think you need a shower.

_Ray: _*grunts and walks offstage*

_Frank: _The bathroom is down the hallway, third door on the left! (_turns to __Gerard_) Well that was fun.

_Gerard: _(_sadly_) Yeah, I guess.

_Frank: _What's wrong?

_Gerard: _Nothing, it's just-*turns away*

_Frank: _Just what?

_Mikey: _This is like a bad soap opera.

_Erin: _I know. I love it. *munches on popcorn*

_Frank: _Gerard, you can tell me anything, you know that.

_Gerard: _I know. It's just-you've got a brand new minion. You don't need me.

(_A period of hilariously/extremely bad acting begins. The author enjoys every minute of it._)

_Frank: _That's preposterous!

_Gerard: _What?

_Frank: _Gerard, before today you were my only minion.

_Gerard: _So?

_Frank: _So I'm not just going to forget about you. In fact, you're more than a minion.

_Gerard: _*teary eyed* I am?

_Frank: _You are. You're a friend.

_Mikey: _(_to __Erin_) If this goes where I think it's going, I'm going to scream.

_Erin: _(_feigning innocence_) I have no idea what you mean.

_Frank: _Oh Gerard!

_Gerard: _Oh Frank!

(_They run towards each other as things become happy and pink and all lovey-dovey and so forth and so on. Emotional music plays._)

_Frank: _Oh, Gerard, I love you!

_Gerard:_ I'll never leave, Frank. I promise!

(_They kiss. To ovaries of millions of fan girls explode. Millions of haters spontaneously combust. Your dear author is both happy and worried about how many people just de-favorited her stories._)

_Mikey: _*stands up* Frerard is dead!

_Erin: _I beg to differ.

_Mikey: _This has absolutely nothing to do with the original plot to _Frankenstein_.

_Erin: _It's a crackfic, what did you expect?

_Mikey: _Not having to watch my brother stick his tongue down another dude's throat, that's for sure.

_Erin: _When you put it that way it sounds way less hot.

_Mikey: _It's not hot.

_Erin: _You're straight. You're supposed to say that.

_Mikey: _You know what? I don't need this. Not even the coffee is worth it. *storms off*

_Erin: _No! I love you! *runs after him*

(_Frank__ and __Gerard__ come up for air.)_

_Gerard: _What now?

_Frank: _I dunno.

_Gerard: _You wanna grab a veggie burger?

_Frank: _Yeah!

_(They exit. The curtain closes.)_

* * *

><p>(A.N. A happy ending if I ever saw one. Anyway, this is what boredom and too many diet cokes on a beach in Mexico produced. I finally got around to posting it.)<p> 


End file.
